Snarky Opener (0:00)
Sure, I love a good dad bod, but you know what's even hotter than that? A father figure.
Episode Introduction (0:25)
Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay. I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a non-jaded gay because I've really been focusing on my finances this New Year. I mean, I'm somebody who always tries to save money, be responsible with money. But it was kind of tough last year because I moved from Pittsburgh to Philly and then moved from the apartment to Philly and bought a house. And throughout all of that, I sold furniture in Pittsburgh and then had to buy new furniture for the house because I had nothing. So, it's kind of hard to save money and invest when that's going on.
But I feel like I'm at a good place now where I'm starting to save a little bit every week, because a little bit does add up. One thing I don't know if I've ever talked about this on the podcast before, but one thing that I like to try to follow, which I found this on Twitter back in, like, 2015, it's this trick that you put a certain amount of money into your bank account every week to correspond with the week it is. So, for example, the first Friday of the new year, you put $1 into your account. The second Friday of the new year, you put $2 in. The third Friday, $3. All the way to the end of the year, so that last week of the new year, you're putting $52 in your bank account. And if you do that every week, I believe it equals close to $1,400. I think it equals like $1380 or something like that.
And I've done that for years now. I mean, usually halfway through because of circumstances around the time I get to June, July, I'm not always able to build up to that, and I have to start putting, you know, just, you know, $5 here or there instead of whatever the week number is. But this year, I'm really trying to increase that by multiplying it. So, first week, I did $2, second week, I did $4, third week, $6. So on and so forth. Because I really am trying to build up some more money so that way don't feel as stressed just having, you know, a little extra savings in case of an emergency because you never know when things may go wrong. So, knock on wood. Hopefully the rest of the year continues to be as prosperous.
Daddy Issues (2:18)
Anyway, from money to sugar daddies. Last year, we had an episode covering abandonment issues and trust issues. And actually, when putting this together, I realized the abandonment issues podcast was episode 47. And the trust issues podcast was episode 74. So fun little parallel there which, no I did not plan that.
But anyway, in the abandonment issues episode, we briefly touched upon daddy issues. So today I thought I'd round out the unholy trinity of issues by talking daddy issues.
Trigger warning though this episode does briefly touch upon childhood sex abuse, as it relates to some of the developments of what causes quote unquote daddy issues down the road. So, if that's a very sensitive subject to you, or something that may make you feel uncomfortable or uneasy, you may either want to fast forward past that section or skip this episode altogether. Listener discretion is advised.
But with that in mind, let's pull our tarot card.
Tarot (3:16)
So, for this episode, we pulled the Ace of Cups in reversed. And some people are afraid of the suit of Cups, but I really like it.
It's tied to the element of water and it's all about emotions, so you can think of your emotions flowing freely. And it's feminine energy, so it's asking us to reflect and meditate. And as you probably remember, each Minor Arcana suit starts with an ace and typically depicts a hand presenting its respective elemental gift. And it's a reminder that we're starting a new cycle or journey. And the Ace of Cups is number one, so numerology as we know, it's signaling a new beginning or the individual.
And when we pull this card in reverse, it's telling us that our cup might feel empty, causing us to feel depleted or disappointed. And this sense of disappointment can stem from something not working out the way we thought it would, especially regarding a relationship. Or on the flip side, we may be repressing our emotions and keeping our feelings close to ourselves because we're afraid to express ourselves freely to the world. But when we do this, we're ultimately causing an emotional blockage within us.
And while that may sound pessimistic, this Ace of Cups in reverse is considered to be the self-love card. So, it's telling us that we need to reflect and look inside ourselves to understand what we need emotionally and then, that way, we can practice self-care and nourish ourselves back to health and overcome those emotional blockages.
What Are Daddy Issues? (4:35)
And so, with that in mind, why don't you give me a vocabulary lesson, daddy. And the daddy I'm referring to is Dictionary.com. It states that daddy issues is slang and refers to the psychological challenges resulting from an absent or abnormal relationship with one's father, often manifesting in a distrust of or sexual desire for men who act as father figures.
Now PsychCentral explains that daddy issues is a gendered term that often lacks empathy. It's often over applied so that even women in secure relationships may be told they have daddy issues if they're dating patterns or sexuality don't match cultural norms about sexual attitudes and behaviors. So, stereotypically this term has been used to shame women who are too sexual, too needy or find themselves dating difficult or older men.
But it's important to note that anyone, not just women, can be negatively impacted by a difficult relationship with their dad or any other primary caregiver. Because ultimately, childhood emotional neglect may impact your adult relationships. So, keep that in mind as we talk through this.
The Oedipus and Electra Complexes (5:36)
Anyway, the PsychCentral article goes on to explain that the concept of daddy issues may have originated with Sigmund Freud and the Oedipus complex, which is a theory that says a child forms a strong attachment with a parent of the opposite sex and has feelings of competition toward their same sex parent.
And Freud identified this behavior with boys and their mothers. His Oedipus complex detailed a father complex, which describes how a male's relationship with his father could ultimately impact his adult relationships, which is a likely correlation. Over the years, quote, unquote father complex has been used on and off to describe the impact that a physically or emotionally absent father can have on the lives and relationships of both men and women.
Later, Carl Jung developed the concept of the Electra complex, which involves the same dynamic but between a daughter and her father.
Personal Opinion (6:26)
Now, really quickly, I do want to interject my own personal beliefs up top. I know people have opinions on the impact of growing up in a single parent household, or with divorced parents, or with a relative who isn't the parent of a child.
However, whether someone is raised with two parents of different genders, two parents of the same gender, or in a single parent home or with caregivers who aren't their parents, I personally think the level of emotional support and love they receive from their guardian is what shapes them in regards to attachment styles and behaviors.
Now, I'm sure that significant events like a divorce or death of a parent results in trauma, and I definitely don't want to detract from that. But I'm referring to a child who may grow up in a household with same gender parents or a household where there was only one parent in the picture.
For example, if someone is raised with two moms, I don't think they'll necessarily develop quote unquote daddy issues since they weren't raised by a father, assuming they receive the love and care they need for healthy emotional development.
Now, I'm not a psychologist by any means. I'm a communications professional, and I write books on the side. And I don't have research or evidence on this. That's just my personal take. But I did want to state that upfront since most of these articles referenced in the episode refer to the traditional father daughter relationship as opposed to father child.
And for gay men, there seems to be a traditional narrative of having a father emotionally distanced themselves from the child once their sexuality is perceived. And that's what the focus of today's episode will be. But first, I do want to cover the psychology behind it.
John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory (7:55)
So, getting back into it, most psychologists today no longer adhere to Freud and Jung's theories and instead observe the concept of John Bowlby's attachment theory, which suggests that your earliest relationships with caregivers inform how you connect in adulthood. And I'm sure you remember this from our attachment theory episode.
So, all in all, having a dad who wasn't consistent in meeting your needs could lead to different kinds of insecure, as opposed to secure attachment styles. And physically or emotionally abusive parenting could also promote behaviors that some people may place under the label of quote unquote daddy issues. And these behaviors include:
· Often or always absent
· Emotionally unavailable or detached
· Controlling or overbearing
· Unreliable, whether financially, emotionally, or physically
· A source of rejection
· Experiencing substance use symptoms or addictions
· Or being permissive
Now, Psycom notes that daddy issues isn't a recognized psychological term or diagnosis. And in modern psychology, the appropriate term for this very real type of trauma is attachment disorder, which doesn't just impact women. As we know from the attachment styles episode, people who don't establish that loving, trusting bond in childhood with one or both parents and caregivers can have insecure attachment which can make it difficult to form healthy, intimate bonds with others.
Here's a quote from Tatiana T. Melendez, LCSW, CEO and founder of Encino, CA-based TTM Counseling and Psychotherapy Services:
"Attachment disorder really comes down to which parents' love was missing or inconsistent in your life, and how that unfulfilled craving for love and connection has impacted your behavior in adult relationships to form emotional bonds."
Factors That Can Lead to Daddy Issues (9:35)
So, with that in mind, let's take a look at a few factors that can potentially play a role in the development of daddy issues. And these come from Verywell Mind:
The first is unhealthy close bonds.
Some parent child bonds can cross the line from being healthy and supportive to being unhealthy and damaging. So, if someone has an overly close bond with their father, it may signify that their father favored them or spoiled them or maybe even rewarded them for taking after their father more, whether it's appearance or personality. Another example of an unhealthy close bond is if the father figure was attracted to or treated the child more like a date or romantic partner, which could lead to the child being subjected to mental, emotional and sexual abuse.
The next is an absentee father.
This is pretty self-explanatory, but maybe someone's father was never around because they worked a lot, left the family or couldn't be depended upon because they had substance abuse issues or other addictions. And dads who are physically distant tend to also be emotionally distant. And so, to fill this particular void, someone may constantly need attention and validation from older men to fill the father role, or they might seek this older male's approval, advice or company to compensate for the lack of physical and emotional closeness they craved as a child.
And lastly is sexual abuse.
Young children are vulnerable and trust parents to teach them right from wrong and set appropriate boundaries. However, sometimes adults take advantage of this vulnerability and cross the line. And sexual abuse creates complicated feelings in children because they want to love their father figure for taking them out, playing games with them and caring for them. But they're also in pain because of the abuse. And children who are abused often blame themselves for what took place, which leads to feelings of shame and increases their risk of depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.
Trauma Causing Types of Fathers (11:23)
Additionally, Talkspace provides several different types of fathers and father figures who may cause a type of trauma that results in relationship difficulties during adulthood. And some of these will sound familiar to the factors we just went over:
So, the first is fathers who overindulge children.
These fathers give a lot of attention and love, which sounds like a positive thing, but this borders into spoiling their child. And as a result, this can create unrealistic expectations of what the child as an adult should expect from relationships.
Next is fathers who are emotionally unavailable.
We already talked about this with the absentee father, but this can cause a child to feel abandoned and incomplete. Fathers who are violent or abusive. These types of fathers may be impulsive, angry or unable to control their emotions.
Then there's fathers who are controlling and toxic.
The controlling father wants to be overly involved in every area of his child's life, always trying to shield them from being disappointed. So, in adulthood, this may result in seeking out dominating partners and maybe even subconsciously expecting to be micromanaged.
There's also fathers who are always distressed and filled with anguish.
In healthy father child relationships, the child grows up admiring the father. But if a child grows up with a father who's always negative and defeated, their faith in him may dwindle and cause them to possibly be rebellious and depressed in adulthood.
And lastly, fathers who are physically dependent upon their children.
If a child must provide basic daily needs for their father's survival, it can lead to low self-esteem as an adult. And Talkspace claims that a child who grows up having to care for their father because he's unable to care for himself might be easy to manipulate or exploit for financial or sexual purpose in adulthood.
And while quote unquote, daddy issues can be caused by any one of those factors, it seems a common theme for gay men is feeling like they had an absentee father or a father who distanced themselves emotionally from them when they began sensing their son was different or gay. And we'll get more into that later. But for now, with all that in mind, you can see how those factors can potentially result in the development of daddy issues.
Daddy Issues’ Impact on Relationships (13:29)
Additionally, that in combination with other parenting techniques may impact children into developing certain attachment styles in adulthood. And I know we've gone over those attachment styles before, but we're going to specifically look at them as they relate to what daddy issues could look like in adulthood with each of those different styles:
So, the first is fearful avoidant attachment, which is also referred to as disorganized attachment.
This is when someone may draw someone close, only to push them away once things become intense. So, think of it this way. When you were a kid, your dad was often erratic or even scary. He may also have demanded strict obedience with harsh punishments for anyone who stepped out of line.
So, in adulthood, you may find yourself in relationships that feel very turbulent. You might fight, breakup and make up many times, and past relationships have always left you feeling hurt.
Next is anxious preoccupied attachment.
People with his attachment tend to feel insecure and struggle with low self-esteem. So, they may seem clingy, demanding, obsessively worried about every nuance in their relationship, and ultimately starved for love. So, in this scenario, maybe your dad's behavior was always inconsistent. Sometimes he was the fun, cool dad and wanted to hang out with you or was interested in your hobbies. And then other days, he might have seemed distant. Maybe he even vented to you when he was stressed out or sad, and you often felt responsible for consoling him.
So now in adulthood, you may find relationships as a major source of anxiety for you. You may feel worried when you spend time away from your partner and fear that they might leave you. And you may can slip into people pleasing tendencies to keep the peace and avoid disagreements.
And lastly avoidant dismissive attachment.
People with this attachment style often come off as independent and self-assured, and dismisses the idea that they need anyone to be whole. They may crave and find physical intimacy, but will avoid emotional entanglement and mask their feelings when faced with emotionally challenging situations. So maybe growing up, your dad lived at work or left the family early on and wasn't around much. Even if he was physically present, he didn't seem interested in anything you cared about.
So now you may find it hard to trust potential partners, and you might feel safer when you're isolated, even though it makes you feel lonely at the same time. And in the past, partners may have wanted you to open up or commit when you didn't feel ready, because you're indifferent or fearful of getting too close to someone.
Gay Men’s Childhood Development & Daddy Issues (15:49)
And now, this is where we're going to focus on the connection between gay men and daddy issues.
So, this comes from The Velvet Rage by Dr. Alan Downs. And if you haven't read the book yet, I highly recommend it. I cite it in so many episodes. It should be essential reading for gay men. Anyway, in Chapter One: The Little Boy with the Big Secret, Downs states that, as children, we all craved for love and protection. And it's more than just a passing urge. Here's a quote:
"It is an irrepressible drive and a constant longing that, when unfulfilled, will last a good, long time, often into adulthood."
And with that being said, our parents were a main source of satisfying this need during our early years. And since we relied on our parents to take care of us, we feared being abandoned by them. But then around the ages of four to six, our parents may have realized we were different, and so they may have treated us differently than our siblings or compared to how our friends' parents treated them. And this different treatment made us realize we were different.
Then as we got older into adolescence, we realized we were different from the other boys our age. And as we continued to understand that we were different, we began fearing that our differentness would cause us to lose the love and affection of our parents. And we kind of talked about this in the abandonment issues episode. And from that episode, here's a quote from psychotherapist Dr. Richard Travis:
"Most gay men are not conscious that from a very early age, they are quote unquote pegged to be gay and are actually treated different by family and friends. Most of this different treatment is not necessarily a conscious choice by the family. It just happens. Is there statistical proof that this happens? No. This is more of an observational and anecdotal view on the author's part. At any rate, this feeling that gay men are being treated differently leaves them with a feeling of being abandoned by family and friends that seems to treat their siblings differently. Of course, many people in the field of psychology know that most people who suffer from abandonment issues have big trust issues. And therefore, they're either quote unquote, clingy and needy, or aloof and guarded. These men do not necessarily make the best relationship material."
Anyway, back to The Velvet Rage, Dr. Alan Downs said that to prevent being abandoned by our parents, we changed the way we acted so that we could retain our parents love even though we couldn't change who we were, we may have hid our true selves and ingratiated ourselves to our mothers while distancing ourselves from our fathers.
Also coupling this with being bullied or rejected by peers for our differentness, we might have found other ways to become more quote unquote acceptable. For example, we might have learned that we could gain approval if we were more sensitive than the other boys or by displaying our creativity other boys refuse to show. Or by simply trying to excel at everything we did. And we talked about that a little bit in our perfectionism episode.
Here's another passage:
"The essence of all these experiences was the same. No matter how we expressed it, we needed love. And we feared that there was something about us that made us unlovable. It was an experience that became an integral part of our psychology that has stayed with us most of our lives. We became utterly convinced that there is something about us that is essentially unlovable."
The First Man We Loved (18:56)
Downs goes on to say that as young gay men, our father was the first man we loved, and we craved from him love, affection and tenderness. But for many of us, our fathers were raised to be tough, stable and emotionally detached. And because we were different from the straight boys, the first man we loved, our fathers, were often incapable of validating us at a time when we needed it most.
Downs claims that this is an act of emotional betrayal, and the wound from it will go on to affect us through most of our lives. Our mothers sensed we were different, too, and when they sensed this gradual distancing by our fathers, they came in to nurture and protect us.
In a way, our mothers over validated us to compensate for the emotional betrayal of our fathers. And this may have been the only authentic validation we received as young men from our strained family dynamic.
So, in summary, as a child, we suffer rejection from our peers, emotional neglect from our fathers, and overcompensating protection from our mothers.
Deprived of a Model Relationship (19:51)
Now, jumping ahead to Chapter 12: Healing Relationship Trauma, Downs goes on to say that this distancing from our fathers left a huge hole in our experience with men, affecting how we learn to maintain a lasting relationship between men.
As a result, we were unable to have a close parental relationship with the gender we would later be attracted to. Here's another passage:
"To understand the enormous disadvantage this caused you, think about how it worked for young straight men. They were able to have a close relationship with a nurturing individual of the gender to which they were attracted. While it didn't always make them better at relationships, they had a template for what a close, loving relationship would be with their wives. In addition, women are taught in our culture to be the caretakers of relationships. They are expected to be the ones to nurture their husband and compensate for his lack of emotional disclosure. In most cases, it is the woman in a straight relationship that does the lion's share of creating and maintaining a warm sense of love and home. What this all suggests is that we were at a severe disadvantage for a successful relationship. Not only were we deprived of a model of a tender, honest and loving relationship between men, we also didn't have the quote unquote emotional safety net that a woman creates in a straight relationship. Nor were we given the social assignment and skills for nurturing and maintaining intimate relationships as women are."
Breaking the Cycle of Hurt (21:12)
And then in adulthood, when we fall in love with another man, odds are they could be struggling with this too. And we weren't prepared to have a relationship with another man, especially another man who was similarly wounded to us.
So, we might have experienced relationship damaging behaviors, such as betrayal or emotional dishonesty, or maybe we perpetuated those behaviors ourself. And we've talked about this before, but it creates a cycle of hurt.
You know, we tend to be drawn or attracted to what's familiar to us. And since our relationships with our fathers are our first model of what an honest and loving relationship with a man could look like, and since most of us felt our fathers emotionally distanced themselves from us, we may be drawn to partners who are also emotionally distant. Or maybe we're the ones emotionally distant with a partner.
Regardless, we are already struggling with emotional wounds from how we grew up, and then in adulthood, we may feel like we're being rejected in a similar way by the men we date in our own community. And then maybe that causes us to be more distant with people we date in the future, and we place that hurt upon them.
So, we need to make sure we're emotionally healthy and ready for a relationship so we don't perpetuate the cycle of hurt.
Core Themes of Daddy Issues in Relationships (22:20)
So now that we've covered that heavy background, let's take a look at some core themes of daddy issues showing up in relationships:
And the first, you guessed it, fear of abandonment.
You may fear the loss and instability that dating can cause if a primary caregiver like your dad rejected you or left. Signs of abandonment fear in your current relationship may include people pleasing tendencies, bottling up your feelings when angry or upset, being hyper alert to signs your partner may want to leave you, or interpreting questions or disagreements as a rejection of you as a person.
Next is tying sex to self-esteem.
Using sex to increase your self-esteem can diminish other forms of intimacy and relationships and can also cause you to override your own desires to please others.
Jealousy.
Signs you might be experiencing anxiety or jealousy in a relationship include codependent behaviors, snooping through your partner's phone or private belongings, or anger or fights after spending time apart.
Next is needing constant reassurance.
While needing reassurance is normal, needing high levels or near constant reassurance about your partner's feelings or intentions can be a sign that you don't feel secure in your relationship. And this could be the case if your caregivers didn't validate your emotions as a child.
And lastly is abuse.
If you grew up with a father who was abusive to you or your family members, it can create a pattern of abuse in future relationships.
Signs of Daddy Issues (23:44)
And following these core themes, here are some signs that you may be struggling with daddy issues. And I'm sure you'll see a lot of tie ins to what we just talked about. But here they are:
· You're possessive and clingy
· You demand an overabundance of love and assurance
· You want sex all the time
· You're using sex to feel wanted or loved
· You're afraid of being alone
· You choose unfit partners
· You repetitively choose to be with abusive men
· You're unable to trust a partner or feel secure in a relationship
· And you're only interested in dating older and more dominant men
Now this last sign in particular seems to be the stereotypical trait that people equate to having daddy issues. Now, in some situations, this may be the case. For example, someone who grew up in a home with a dysfunctional or absent father may have a subconscious desire to be with someone who can protect them and provide for them. They might believe an older man can give them the affection or financial stability they didn't have as a child.
However, this is not always the case, especially as intergenerational relationships are more common in gay men and aren't necessarily tied to daddy issues. And we'll get to that in a minute.
Reparent Your Daddy Issues (24:51)
But first, let's talk about what to do if you think you may have some attachment issues or daddy issues. Well, first and foremost, and you probably already know the answer to this one.
Say it with me: go to therapy.
Especially someone who practices attachment-based therapy, since this type of therapy helps patients revisit the childhood where they first felt hurt, rejected or abandoned. From there, they can help you learn to reframe your narrative, in a sense of re-parenting yourself with the love and acceptance that's been missing in your life.
Additionally, we should check in with ourselves through self-talk. How we speak to ourselves can be informed by how we were talked to in childhood. So, identifying these patterns is extremely helpful in changing self-abusive habits.
And also, never forget the power of journaling. Write down your thoughts about childhood experiences and your dynamic with your father since it can help you identify trauma cycles and generational patterns.
Phases to Overcoming Daddy Issues (25:44)
And regardless of which avenue you take, Caitlin Cantor, a relationship and sex therapist, has outlined three core phases to overcoming challenges caused by daddy issues:
First, recognize how your relationship with your father impacted you.
When a child's needs aren't met, they start to believe they aren't worthy of love, attention, affection, or whatever else they require, which can carry over into adulthood. So, we need to educate ourselves and be aware of how we may be reconfirming old beliefs through our childhood dynamic with our fathers, which may now be reenacting childhood patterns in our current relationships.
Next, we need to mourn.
Allow yourself to experience grief and feel the pain of having a negative relationship with your father. Mourn what you didn't have in your life because of it. You need to allow yourself to feel those emotions sadness, anger and grief to truly allow yourself to heal.
And Cantor says that this is a chance to feel sadness for your younger self, who didn't get what they needed. And last year, we talked about grief and queer grief, so check out those episodes for some tips on how to process grief healthfully.
And lastly, we need to learn.
Once we've recognized how the beliefs we formed during childhood impact our current relationships, we can replace them with new, healthier ones.
Debunking Stereotypes About Daddy Issues (26:59)
Now rounding out the episode, there are a few things I want to briefly touch upon as they relate to daddy issues.
Within the gay community, it seems like a lot of men like to call their partners daddy, especially in the bedroom. And Amy Rollo, a triple licensed psychotherapist and owner of Heights Family Counseling, says that wanting to call a partner daddy in bed or preferring sexually dominant partners does not necessarily translate to daddy issues.
She says that healthy sex can look like a lot of things, including role playing, and that the role of a father is traditionally seen as a role of authority. And that authority in the bedroom can be part of the healthy sex life.
Additionally, earlier on, we talked about how only being interested in dating older men can be a sign of daddy issues. However, for gay men, intergenerational relationships are not uncommon, and they don't necessarily have to translate to daddy issues. And I would like to do an episode on this in the future. So, I'm not going to dive into it too much today.
But Nick Fager, a mental health counselor who runs the LGBTQ division of KIP Therapy in New York, has seen this becoming increasingly accepted amongst the gay community. And rarely do these intergenerational romances fit the stereotypical mold of a young twink with daddy issues dating an older man with a thick wallet. Here's a quote:
"In my experience, intergenerational relationships are some of the most functional relationships because they usually have a very honest perspective on what a relationship is. Some similarly aged couples enter relationships thinking they're exactly alike or perfect for each other, and that can lead to major problems when they inevitably encounter their first differences. Intergenerational couples tend to embrace their differences from the get-go, which is a key ingredient to relationship longevity."
Episode Closing (28:43)
And lastly, I want to close out this episode with a quote from the PsychCentral article.
"The term daddy issues can be used to stigmatize emotional needs or complicated childhood relationships. In reality, anyone, not only women, may experience insecure attachments and other challenges stemming from a conflicting father figure.”
So, there you have it, daddy issues and, good news for us gays, we can still call men daddy without necessarily having them.
But in all seriousness, tying it back to the tarot, a lot of us may have encountered strained relationships with our fathers. Like I said, it kind of seems like a common narrative most gay men talk about. And even if we still have a relationship with our fathers today, odds are if we did experience that kind of distancing, we may experience some of this fear of abandonment with differing levels of severity.
And just like the Ace of Cups in reverse tells us, we may feel depleted or disappointed from not having that traditional relationship with our fathers growing up. You know, the father and son playing baseball in the park and being super close and bonding over, you know, fixing cars and all that. A lot of us didn't have that, and so we may feel some sadness and grief within us for not having that experience that some of our peers, some of our straight peers, may have had.
And while most of us would like to kind of just put that behind us, forget about it, kind of push down that pain or shame we may feel from being distanced from our father, we still need to allow ourselves to grieve. Because when we push down our emotions, we cause those emotional blockages.
And just like we talked about, a key step to healing from those abandonment wounds comes from allowing ourselves to grieve and release our sorrow. Let the water from our Cups flow, let our tears flow, so we can really grieve that and let all that hurt out. Because I am a big believer that crying is like a good emotional reset.
Like, in times when I've cried, it's usually because I've been running around like crazy, I haven't taken enough time to reflect and be with myself and I'm just overwhelmed. And then I cry, forcing you to kind of take a minute to breathe. And while things aren't fixed after that, after I get that cry out, I do just feel more energized and like I can think clearer.
So again, maybe you're not going to literally be crying after this episode. But just emotionally let that water of Cups flow freely, and let your emotions out so that we can think clearer, we can look inwards to reflect on what we need. One, to take care of ourselves, and two, to understand what we need to kind of take the first step in healing from any of those abandonment wounds we may have suffered.
Connect with A Jaded Gay (31:03)
And I'm curious to know your thoughts. Do you think daddy issues is something super common within the gay community? Is it something that's impacted you? Is it something that maybe you've had to work past on your own? And if so, how have you done that?
Feel free to let me know your thoughts and any tips you may have, either on Spotify within the episode Q&A or by emailing me directly rob@ajadedgay.com.
Please also remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast. Those ratings and reviews are super helpful. One, I love hearing, you know, the positive feedback and knowing that other people are really enjoying the show, but two, by rating it highly, by, you know, writing your reviews.
It really helps get the word out and helps amplify the podcast in the algorithm so that more people can discover it. And so hopefully we can reach more people in the LGBTQ+ community. Because again, that's what I've really wanted this podcast to be from the beginning, a kind of common engaging platform where all members from the community can, you know, be here to help one another and help us heal collectively. So, greatly appreciate those ratings and reviews.
Remember, you can also connect with the podcast on Instagram TikTok, SoundCloud and YouTube @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me personally, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless. You can check out the website ajadedgay.com for more information on episodes, resources, guest information and links to the social accounts and merchandise.
Also, if you're feeling generous, consider supporting the podcast on Patreon @ajadedgaypod for as little as $1 a month. It gets you instant access to episodes a day early, ad free and exclusive monthly bonus episodes from yours truly, where you just hear me babble. So, if you like hearing the fun small talk I do in this and you want to get more of it, check it out. Also, if you're scared of commitment, I get that. You can also support the podcast with a one-time donation on Buy Me a Coffee @ajadedgaypod.
So, thank you everyone. And remember every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.
Mmm-bye, daddy.
Outtake (33:19)
I'm Rob Loveless, and today I am a non-jaded gay because... because why? I literally just lost my train of thought. Oh, I remember. Because I've really been focusing on my finances this new year.