A Jaded Gay

30. Gay Sex Education (or the Lack Thereof)

• A Jaded Gay • Episode 30

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In America, there has been a decrease in the number of teenagers who’ve received formalized sex education over the years. And for LGBTQ+ youth, inclusive sex education is practically nonexistent.

In this episode, we’re taking a look at the current state of sex education in America, the lack of inclusive education for LGTQ+ youth, and how we can be advocates for inclusive, formalized sex education.

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Snarky Opener (0:00)

To be fair, though, that banana thing is helpful.

 

Episode Introduction (0:23)

Hello, my LGBTQuties, and welcome back to another episode of A Jaded Gay.

 

My name's Rob Loveless, and, today, I'm a non-jaded gay because, oddly enough, my anxiety has been pretty manageable. I've been feeling okay.

 

I've been able to sleep better at night. My heart isn't constantly racing. I'm not worried all the time.

 

And I have no idea why because things have been crazy stressful, but I'm feeling okay.

 

So, I'm taking that in stride.

 

LGBTQ-Inclusive Sex Education (0:45)

Anyway, moving on to the episode.

 

Today, I wanted to talk about a heavier subject that I feel is really important to cover, and that is gay sex education.

 

Or maybe, more appropriately, the lack of gay sex education.

 

You know, we've talked a lot about some of the major differences we experience growing up gay compared to our straight peers and its emotional effects.

 

But sex education that's relevant to us as gay men is something else that we probably didn't learn about growing up.

 

I mean, even from a heteronormative standpoint, I didn't really receive any type of sex education.

 

And then, when I came out, I realized what little I had learned didn't apply to me at all or really prepare me for what I actually needed to know.

 

So, I wanted to take a look at what general sex education in the United States is like and then focus in on where we're at with gay sex education.

 

But before we do, let's pull our tarot card.

 

Tarot (1:29)

So, our card is Six of Swords in reverse.

 

And as you remember, Swords is very masculine energy. So, it's action-oriented. It's tied to the element of air, and it typically represents, you know, our guiding principles, communications, and our thoughts and ideas.

 

And you can think of things like, you know, the pen is mightier than the sword, truth hurts, or the sword of truth. And in numerology, the number six is tied to balance and harmony.

 

But when we get this card in reverse, it's actually signifying that potentially, we're experiencing some difficulties in moving on and that we're stuck in the same place.

 

So, we might be experiencing some delays or the inability to move on from a difficult situation, whether it's with work, a relationship, maybe just personally.

 

Whatever it is, something is holding us back from getting past the obstacle. And so, it's really asking us to focus where we're at right now, in this moment in time, and focus on maybe what is holding us back. 

 

Maybe we haven't sat with it long enough to really focus on the situation at hand.

 

So maybe we know it's something that we're not happy about, but we're not realizing how much it's holding us back from getting to our place of happiness.

 

And while this card is asking us to think that through, keep in mind, Swords is still an action-oriented card, so it's just as important that once we think through and realize what that roadblock is, that we take the action to find a way that we can move on from that situation.

 

And it can be scary to make a change. Maybe we're in flux right now. We're in transition.

 

We know we're moving on from one thing to the next, and we're scared to really take action to move forward because it means we ultimately have to leave something behind.

 

But it's important to remember that if it doesn't feel right in this moment, then it might be a sign that we've outgrown it.

 

We've moved on from it. Not that it's anything bad, whether, again, it's a person that we've dated, you know, a job, a place that we're living at currently.

 

It doesn't mean that they're bad things, and there were certainly opportunities to learn there, but we've come to a place where we've, we've made the most of that situation, and there's nothing further we can learn from that.

 

There's nothing further that serves us within that situation. So, it's really time to move on. And we need to let go.

 

And you know, I love a Kylie Minogue reference. You know, the song Better the Devil You Know. 

 

Oftentimes, we think it's better to stay in a situation that we're not happy with, then step out into a new situation because we might be scared.

 

But we have to put that fear aside and trust our intuition that we know what's best for us and that there is bigger and better out there for us.

 

And speaking of bigger and better, let's talk about sex, baby. Or I should say sex education.

 

Sex Education in the United States (3:35)

So, like I said in the intro, I was curious about the state of sex education in America in general.

 

So, I wanted to do a little research on that, and I was trying to find some statistics, but it seems like they're all inconsistent, and some of them are pretty dated.

 

So, I saw something from 2010 saying that 96% of teens reported they received formalized sex education, and that seemed pretty high to me.

 

And then I saw another study from 2017 saying that only 76% of teenagers received sex education, which was a drop from 80% in the 90s.

 

And I wonder how difficult it is for researchers to even gather that information because what is formalized sex education?

 

You know, it seems like a pretty general term, and people might define that differently.

 

But I did find something more recent from Sex & Psychology. So, first off, it states that teens in the United States have widely inconsistent experiences with sex education.

 

And as of January 2022, there are 21 states that don't require sex ed.

 

And somewhat alarmingly, even in states where sex ed is mandated, the information teachers provide does not necessarily have to be useful, correct, or unbiased.

 

In fact, in about two-thirds of the states that require sex education, the materials provided don't have to be medically accurate.

 

So that's really kind of terrifying that you could just kind of give some general, vague sex education advice, you know, wait till marriage, whatever, and not give anything scientific behind it.

 

Because at the end of the day, growing up, you know, going through the teenage years, we did all have wildly inconsistent experiences with sex, whether we were gay, straight, whatever.

 

It, it's not the same for everybody. And while some people may not be sexually active in high school, others are.

 

And it's still important that there is formalized sex education in place, and inclusive formalized sex education in place because whether you're teaching it or not, odds are there will still be people out there that are sexually active.

 

And I think, personally, it's more dangerous for somebody to be sexually active and not have that information than to be sexually active and have that information.

 

My Experiences with Sex Education as a Teenager (5:21)

And my own experiences in high school, in ninth grade was when I received my first formalized sex education.

 

You know, earlier in elementary school, you know, we had some little sessions here and there where the boys and girls were separated and talked about the changes our body would be going through for puberty.

 

But that was pretty much it. And then ninth grade is when we really started having health class. And our health teacher was also our gym teacher.

 

And health was only, I think, like, once or twice a week. We had a rotating schedule, so, like, days one and three might be health, and then two and four might be gym or something like that.

 

Anyway, the beginning of my freshman year of high school is the first time there was ever any type of sex I had introduced.

 

And really, you know, our teacher just went through the chapter and read all the different STDs there were and just a brief description of what each one was.

 

Nothing about, really, how they were transmitted, nothing about how to stay protected against it.

 

I mean, obviously, we all knew what a condom was, but a lot of the time, I think, growing up, I thought that a condom was more so in place to prevent pregnancy, as opposed to preventing STDs.

 

And this is kind of funny but also kind of sad. To demonstrate how STDs are spread, we did a little experiment in class.

 

So, what the teacher did was he gave everybody a cup of green M&M's. And then one person in class had a cup of green and red M&M's.

 

So, everybody had to close their eyes, except for the student who had the green and red M&M's. And they went around and they sprinkled a little bit of their M&M's in everybody's cup.

 

And once they were done, we opened our eyes, and we had to see what our cups looked like. And if we had any red M&M's in our cup, that meant we caught an STD.

 

And like, I can see the thought behind that, and kind of showing like, oh, look how it spreads. But really, that's not really an example of how to protect yourself and how to protect others.

 

So, as you can see, that wasn't really the sex education I needed to know.

 

Especially then growing up and realizing that I was gay and realizing that sex for me was going to be something completely different than my straight peers.

 

And I wonder if part of the reason that there is potentially inadequate sex education is because parents might think their kids are too young and need to wait till marriage.

 

Gaps in Sex Education (7:12)

But the article I referenced in Sex & Psychology notes that the average age of first marriage is nearing 30, and the average age of first sex is 16 to 17 years old.

 

So, there's almost like a 15-year gap between when people are getting married versus when they're first having sex. And there's a lot that can happen during that time.

 

And additionally, here are some quick numbers around sex education that I thought were really interesting.

 

So, there are only 20 states that mandate the inclusion of information about contraception whenever sex education is taught.

 

Additionally, only 18 states require any sex and/or HIV education to be medically accurate. So that's a little alarming.

 

There are 39 states that mandate information or abstinence be provided whenever sex education is taught.

 

28 states mandate abstinence be stressed whenever sex education is taught.

 

19 states mandate instructing students about the importance of saving sex only for marriage.

 

15 states mandate discussion of sexual orientation in sex education courses. However, only 11 of those states mandate the discussion of sexual orientation is inclusive.

 

Additionally, there are five states that require only negative information about sexual orientation be included in sex education courses.

 

Three states prohibit sex and/or HIV education programs from promoting religion.

 

And 11 states require the importance of sexual consent be addressed in sex education programs.

 

18 states require sex education courses to cover negative outcomes of teen sex.

 

36 states allow parents the option to remove a child from sex education instruction.

 

And only nine states require sex and/or HIV education to be culturally appropriate and unbiased.

 

So right there, there's a lot to unpack, potentially, but keep in mind that's just for general sex education.

 

The Lack of LGBTQ-Inclusive Sex Education (8:52)

So, in 2019, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network, which is known as GLSEN, surveyed 16,713 students between the ages of 13 and 21, and just over 40% of those students identified as being gay or lesbian.

 

And they were asked a number of questions about school safety, discriminatory practices in school, and sex education.

 

So, of those almost 17,000 students surveyed, both gay and straight, how many do you think reported that they received LGBTQ+ inclusive sex education? Do you have that number in mind?

 

Well, here's the answer: only 8.2%.

 

In fact, only 11 states and Washington DC call for inclusive content with regard to sexual orientation. And on the flip side, five states allow negative information on homosexuality.

 

And unsurprisingly, one of those states is Florida. Shocker.

 

And this is dangerous because a lack of sex education in general can result in high-risk sexual behaviors and unplanned pregnancy.

 

And from an LGBTQ+ perspective, negative information on gay sex can increase feelings of shame and trauma.

 

So, I think there's no denying that there needs to be inclusive sex education for the LGBTQ+ community. And GLSEN defined what a truly LGBT-inclusive sex education approach looked like.

 

So, I'm going to read an excerpt of that:

 

“This approach includes and infuses LGBT people and issues throughout the sex education curriculum. It does not assume heterosexuality in its definitions of sexual activities or discussions of romantic relationships. It challenges the gender binary (i.e., that there are only two genders, male and female, and that are mutually exclusive) and pays more than token attention to transgender people and concerns.

 

It avoids relegating LGBT issues to “special topics” and instead includes discussions of sexual orientation and gender identity throughout the curriculum. Unfortunately, this is the least common type of sex education provided in our schools today."

 

Also, they believe that this type of sexual education approach would also be beneficial to non-LGBT youth by providing them with an opportunity to dispel myths about issues of sexual orientation and gender and broaden their understanding about LGBT peoples and communities.

 

Now, like GLSEN said, unfortunately, this approach is the least common in schools in the United States. 

 

So, what can we do to make sure students are provided inclusive sex education?

 

Advocate for LGBTQ-Inclusive Sex Education (11:06)

Well, the HRC says that we need to:

·       One, become advocates for LGBTQ-inclusive sex education.

·       Two, ensure that school is a safe and accepting space for LGBTQ students.

·       Three, implement LGBTQ-inclusive sex education in schools, community settings, and online.

·       Four have parents talk to their own children and teens about sex and sexuality.

·       And five work to remove state-level legal and policy barriers to LGBTQ-inclusive sex education in schools and to require inclusive programs.

 

Additionally, there are some organizations that provide resources on LGBTQ sex education.

 

And those include the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, Planned Parenthood, and Advocates for Youth.

 

The Need for LGBTQ-Inclusive Sex Education (11:45)

And you know, we just had a midterm election, but it's especially important that we are voting people in who aren't planning to defund Planned Parenthood or take away access to these resources.

 

Because I know people have their thoughts on them, but at the end of the day, a lot of these organizations, Planned Parenthood included, is really one of the few health organizations that actually provides inclusive resources around sexual health for the LGBTQ+ community.

 

You know, for myself, personally, I had that great sex ed class in ninth grade when I was 14, and thought I was straight and thought, you know, sex was between a man and a woman, and there was only one type of sex.

 

And then at 21, I realized, you know, I was gay, and when I came out, I was terrified for a lot of reasons, but one, especially my health.

 

You know, for a long time growing up, I had heard the awful stereotype that, you know, all gay men have HIV and, you know, gay men will die of AIDS and all this stuff.

 

And I thought that, you know, just by being gay, you were more likely to get HIV and AIDS. And that it just happened. I didn't realize it was something that was, you know, sexually transmitted.

 

I thought it just happened. You're gay and, you know, one day you're gonna get HIV, kind of like, you know, people just go through life, and someday they just, you know, end up getting cancer or something where it just happens.

 

That's what I thought HIV and AIDS was. And I remember the first time I kissed a guy, I was so afraid that I might have caught an STD or or HIV or something like that.

 

And so, I went to Planned Parenthood to get tested. And I also thought, too, I'm like, you know, I haven't done anything sexual at this point in time, but maybe I'm a carrier for something.

 

I thought, you know, that you could just have it, that you're just predisposed to it.

 

And you know, I went to Planned Parenthood and got tested even though I had never been sexually active at that point in my life.

 

And I really had to talk through with them about, you know, what sex looks like for two men and how to stay protected.

 

And it took me a long time to kind of overcome that fear of, any time I'm sexual, that I'm going to catch an STD or HIV.

 

I mean, for myself, personally, I, you know, am not about casual sex. No judgment to anybody who is. But I really seek, you know, monogamy and a long-term partnership.

 

And I've always tried to date people who are also looking for that.

 

And so, you know, in theory, you know, if we're both monogamous and we both, you know, are only seeing each other and that and we're both negative, going into the relationship, then there shouldn't be a risk of either one of us transmitting an STD to the other.

 

But that took a long time for me to kind of get to that point and understand that. I mean, again, when I was at Planned Parenthood, I was 21 years old, it still was hard to fathom.

 

I thought that, you know, okay, I could be in a committed relationship with somebody, but one day, one of us might just get HIV, even though, you know, we're only having sex with each other and then passed on to the other.

 

Like, isn't that how it works? And it's not.

 

But that's the conclusion I was led to believe based upon my experiences growing up hearing negative stereotypes about gay people and the lack of sex education when I was in high school.

 

I mean, we didn't even get the banana condom activity. Like, we just literally read down the list, like, this is what Chlamydia is. This is what Hepatitis A is, this what Hepatitis B is.

 

Like, they were medical definitions. We didn't get any information on, like, you know, how things are transmitted. There was no discussion about oral sex, anal sex, not even really vaginal sex.

 

It was just, like, these are things you could get through sex. But how? How do we stay protected in those ways?

 

So, it's really important that we still have these resources in place through those organizations I just mentioned.

 

Episode Closing (14:45)

And connecting it back to the tarot, you know, in terms of trying to move forward again, I think a lot of us struggle with internalized homophobia to some extent.

 

We were raised in heteronormative societies where we probably didn't see ourselves represented a lot on TV or in our own communities.

 

And so, we didn't receive that sex education we needed to know. So, we may all struggle with a lot of antiquated stereotypical beliefs of, you know, what sex could be, as well as facing the stereotypes that, you know, all gay men have HIV and things like that.

 

And it could take a lot of work to undo some of that. But we really just need to kind of sit with that information and reflect upon that and reflect upon our own sexual behaviors.

 

Again, this isn't meant to shame anybody. This isn't meant to say, you know, one type of relationship over another. Nothing like that. But just we need to understand our own risk levels.

 

You know, we need to understand what's comfortable to us, what we're comfortable with in a relationship, whether it's open, polyamorous, monogamous, whatever.

 

And we need to understand our own risk. And we need to have those conversations with our partner or partners and talk openly about our sexual health.

 

And we also need to, you know, understand that a lot of those stereotypical beliefs we heard growing up aren't always necessarily true.

 

You know, we can't just assume that we are diseased and dirty and bad because we're gay. That's, that's terrible to feed that to anybody, and we're not.

 

Obviously, we need to, again, understand our risk, know our sexual health, and have those conversations.

 

And especially, you know, I keep hoping, as generations go on, it seems, you know, more people are open about their sexuality. You know, there's more representation on TV.

 

It doesn't seem to be as socially unacceptable or anything like that.

 

So I'm hoping that as, you know, generations become more tolerant and more open, that you know, perhaps sex education will evolve and that it will be more inclusive, and that we won't have to face these stigmas or these fears of being intimate with somebody we really care about because we were lied to growing up and told that, you know, we were going to die of AIDS if we ever slept with a man or anything like that.

 

So again, going back to the tarot, I know a lot of us probably have these beliefs, and it could be a struggle to move forward, but really to move to a place where we are happy, healthy, and can trust others.

 

We do need to really confront some of those things that might be holding us back and move on from that situation.

 

Move on from that internalized homophobia or those stereotypical discriminatory things we were told.

 

Connect with A Jaded Gay (16:49)

So, thank you all for listening. Hope you all enjoyed this episode.

 

As a reminder, you can always send me any messages or any feedback about the episode. You could send that to rob@ajadedgay.com.

 

You can also follow the podcast on Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @ajadedgaypod. You can follow me, Rob Loveless, on Instagram @rob_loveless, or on Twitter @robjloveless.

 

And remember, every day is all we have, so you got to make your own happiness.

 

Mmm-bye.

 

Outtake (17:39)

And, like, honestly, if red M&M's ever come out of any orifice of my body, I'm not going to immediately assume I have an STD. I'm gonna just think I'm fucking dying.

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